the return

Back in November we started looking for daycares…a task that I can’t imagine is ever pleasant or easy for parents.  With the experience of having our oldest in daycare we felt we had a leg-up — we already knew what things were important to us and could immediately cross centers and providers off of our list, usually based on an initial discussion or quick check on a website.  Luckily one of the providers we had considered using for Loki (before we moved to the area and decided to place him in a pre-school program instead) had a possible opening around the time we needed it.  We met with her again and she was wonderful — she reminds us of Loki’s old daycare provider, less all of the things that sort of irritated us about her.  We worked out paperwork and said we would be ready for a space around March, and all she was waiting for was her 4-year old’s parents to find a preschool for him.

And then I got an e-mail from her this week saying that she had the space available, and we could start sending Joule on the 20th.  Of February.  Like…Monday.

My heart sank.

I thought it was supposed to be easier with your second child.  I figured that I’d been through this once before and sending my second one off to daycare would be a breeze.  I remember dropping off Loki at daycare on his first day — he was just over two months old.  I cried, a lot.  And while this time I’m excited about the daycare that we found and know the benefits of putting your child into daycare and know how miserably I am failing at working from home with a baby…I’m so sad.

I’ve been enjoying the newborn phase so much more this time around…knowing that this is likely our last child, trying to soak up the moments that I know I won’t see again.  I had a hard time adjusting to motherhood with my first.  It took me a long time to feel close to him…to feel like I truly enjoyed parenthood.  In a way it was much easier to send him to daycare…it was terrifying and I cried…but I also needed the familiarity of my pre-parenthood days, which meant going back to work and what I knew.  Now…I know parenthood.  And while I sometimes complain or feel I need a break…I also appreciate being around this baby at all hours of the day.

We are hoping to delay her start date by a few weeks, to enjoy having this little one at home with us a bit longer.  But I know it’s coming.  I enjoy having my arms full and am not quite ready to return to them being empty.