I knew that bringing another child into this family was going to change my relationship with Loki. I wasn’t prepared for all of the ways, big and small, that it would.
I found myself a little mournful of our changing relationship shortly after Joule was born. I spent the last few months of my pregnancy looking forward to not being pregnant, so that I could take him to the playground and run and jump and carry him and pick him up and we could squeeze each other with hugs until we were ready to burst, just like the old days. But I had somehow overlooked the fact that I’d have a baby in my arms that would prevent me from running, jumping, carrying and squeezing. I sat on our couch one night and cried on my husband’s shoulder that I really missed our son. He was just in the other room, sound asleep, but I missed him. I missed the two of us hanging out in the afternoons together, just the two of us. I missed our routines. I missed giving him my undevoted attention.
Things are still changing. I remind myself that they always would be, even if we didn’t have a baby. After all he’s in his fourth year now, and apparently (after consulting Dr. Google and fellow mom friends after witnessing some really horrific behavior from him) he’s supposed to be giving us a hard time right now (or at least, it’s in the realm of normalcy). It’s hard to have two kids underfoot. I can’t go to the playground and play with him like I used to. I can’t always pick him up and give him a hug. I can’t always put him first. This results in a lot of pushback, tantrums, acting out, whatever you want to call it. But he is still the same kid who loves hugs (needs hugs) more than anything and tells you “I love you more than God loves me” [my heart melts]. I’m trying hard to balance out each thing that I can’t do for him with something new that I can. I’m finding new phrases or questions to ask to show him that I love him (bigger than the trees, higher than the sky, as always). I’m sort of looking forward to when Joule is in daycare so that I can spend an afternoon here and there with him on my own, enjoying his company and no one else’s.
Over the past few weeks he has been redefined as a brother. Strangers, friends, teachers, neighbors…they all ask him if he’s being a good big brother. And he is a good big brother. But he’s always going to be my Loki.
